That's what you get for naming your kid Jaden!

While walking down 9th avenue sunday at 1:25, Kevin and I could hear indistinguishable whining behind us. We slowed down to hear better.

MOM: Stop, Jaden!

JADEN: But you just spent like a hundred dollars.

MOM: I need fruit.

JADEN: I NEED Starbucks!

The kicker: Jaden is probably 10 years old and about three feet tall.


We slowed down to let them get in front of us. Then I took a picture.

That's what you get for naming your kid Jaden!

There's a story behind this...

I'm curious as to what it is.

Save the Date!

As I was waiting outside a professor's office the other day, I decided to kill some time reading one of the many bulletin boards. I happened upon this gem.


Now, if I were Professor F, and if I were giving a lecture on Revising Our Logic, I think I might leave my photograph off of the announcement for it. Particularly if my photo looked like this...



And if, by chance, I were forced to put my photo on the announcement, I wouldn't have it read "Save the Date" at the top. That sorta makes it sound like a wedding announcement. And I wouldn't want people to associate my picture with wedding announcements.

Just saying...

My Life Is Like a Musical Television Show

As many of you (or should I say both of you) know, I love GLEE. Love it! Maybe that makes me a big, screaming queer. I'm okay with that. For those of you who don't know the TV show, there is a character on it named Rachel who tends to be a little grating. Many of her classmates, including her fellow glee club members, can't stand her. She is sort of a kiss ass, thinks very highly of herself, and is extremely annoying in a way that makes you want to punch her in the face, or just throw a slushy in it.


There just so happens to be a Rachel in one of my classes. Yes, it's true. She even shares the same name with her television counterpart. The character may have even been loosely based on her. I noticed Rachel on the first day of class because she sat in the row in front of me, wearing a bright red sweatshirt and gray sweatpants. Pretty typical for girls in college. "I'm going to class. I want to be comfortable." This isn't as typical for students at NYU, but who am I to judge?


I'm going to go off on a little tangent now. I will return to my original thought eventually. But for now, let's review Rachel's attire.

Week 2











Week 3











Week 4











Week 5











Week 6











Week 7











Week 8











And last week...











Does anyone else see a pattern here? Again, who am I to judge? You can judge for yourselves. I encourage it.

While Rachel's choice of clothing may be ______________ (fill in the blank yourself), that's not what is so annoying about her. I have written a two-act play which illustrates some of Rachel's particularly annoying qualities:

QUIZZICAL: A Two-Act Musical Illustrating Rachel's Particularly Annoying Qualities

Act 1: Week Before the Midterm

PROF:
Class, I think I'm going to give you a break. There will be no quiz this week?

RACHEL (breaks out into song):
What? No quiz?
Gee whiz!
I'll cry.
I'll DIE!

CLASS (in unison): Shut up. We don't want a quiz.

RACHEL (again, in song):
But, I did so poorly on the first.
My grades, they will be the worst.
Oh me, oh my,
I'll cry, I'll DIE!

PROF:
Okay, I'll give you a quiz.

CLASS:
Ugh. We hate her.

Intermission

Act 2: Week After the Midterm

Enter the class, in different outfits. Then, enter Rachel, wearing a red sweatshirt and gray sweatpants.

PROF: Since I gave you a quiz the week before the midterm, I'll give you a break this week. No quiz.

RACHEL (reprise):
What? No quiz?
Gee whiz!
I'll cry.
I'll DIE!
I did so poorly on the first.
My grades, they will be the worst.
Oh me, oh my,
I'll cry, I'll DIE!

PROF:
Okay, I'll give you a quiz.

CLASS:
Seriously?

THE END

I'm not sure if it's clear from QUIZZICAL that Rachel did poorly on her first quiz or not. But she did, along with the rest of the class. So poorly, in fact, that the grade for the first quiz doesn't even show up when we check our grades online. I'm fairly certain the professor threw it out because it was a lame quiz. However, Rachel is so focused on the fact that she blew one quiz. She's afraid she won't get an A because of it. The reason that I know all this is actually not because I talk to her. It's because she turns around and tells EVERYONE about it EVERY time the professor mentions not having a quiz.

And if that is not annoying enough, imagine Rachel having a squeaky mouse voice. Maybe reread QUIZZICAL with that in mind.

Enough said.

Here's to you, Rachel!

Fall Wanderings

When Kevin was down visiting me in NYC two weekends ago, we found a few funny little things.

First up,

Please Don't Touch


This was a sign in a gift shop in Little Italy. There was another sign at the front of the shop saying that you have to pay $2 if you take any pictures inside the store. I'm not sure how they enforce that. Not very well, obviously!

"IF you break it, then you have to paid it!!"

THANK YOU

Next, is a game I like to call Food or Sex Toys?

Here are two images. One is a picture of some chocolate covered strawberries that were on sale at the 6th Avenue Street Fair two weekends ago. The other is a picture of anal beads that I found online two minutes ago. Which is which?





And here is a ridiculous video that I came across while searching for anal beads. Thanks, myspace mutants.

Miscellaneous Summer Junk

So, over the summer, I found some things that I thought were funny, but not necessarily worthy of a full blog post. I think collectively, they might be worthy. So, here they are... in chronological order.

Little Johnny

Back in late June, Kevin and I went for a walk along the breakwater in Provincetown. This is a large jetty of rocks which is very pretty and relaxing for an afternoon jaunt. Or sometimes for a morning, evening, or late night one as well. Oftentimes, you can see lots of wildlife on these excursions.

On this particular day, we happened upon a seagull. We'll call him Little Johnny. It's actually quite rare to NOT see seagulls here during the day, as the seagulls tend to feed by the breakwater, picking crabs up out of the tidepools and dropping them from heights of maybe 50 feet or so onto the rocks to crack their shells. Usually as you walk towards the seagulls, they fly away. Not Little Johnny though. We thought he was very brave.

We got real close to Little Johnny to take some pictures of him. As I went in for a snapshot... Little Johnny took a big ole shit on the rocks.


As we moved past Little Johnny, we turned around to see if he still stood in the same spot. He did. We noticed his wing was broken.


So, poor Little Johnny wasn't so brave after all. He was hurt. And it seems that we scared the shit out of him. Literally. Get it? Do you get it? We scared the SHIT out of him.

You probably got it.


Seamen's Bank

So, by the title of this one, you probably have guessed that the funny part of the story is that the bank is called Seamen's Bank. Nope. That one's old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Provincetown's main bank is called Seamen's Bank. Now that that's over, I'll let it be known that I was the proud customer of Seamen's Bank. Yes, I banked at THE Seamen's Bank.

I received some mail from said Seamen's Bank late in July. It seems I made an error in my ATM deposit, and I was off by ten cents. That's not the funny part either. It's not funny that a math grad student at NYU can't add. That's actually more sad than anything. Here is that piece of mail.




What's funny about it is that Seamen's Bank paid 40 something cents to mail me a slip saying that they were going to deduct ten cents from my account because I made an error. So basically, to correct my ten cent error, they were going to spend 30 something cents more in postage, not to mention the cost of the paper they printed it on and the envelope they mailed it in (or the staple... it all adds up). It sounds a little silly to me.

Not to mention it's a little silly to have paid that money when I lived right across the street from the bank and I was in there every week.

Okay, so maybe it is a little funny that I made deposits into THE Seamen's Bank every week. Sometimes more than once a week.


To the owner: (aka cocksucker)

In August, Ptown starts to get really busy. This August was no exception. As most people know, in August, the weather tends to get really hot as well. So people are looking for hydration.

Now, most bars in Ptown, and I think in a lot of other cities as well, will not give out tap water. The bar shared a space with a fantastic restaurant called Frappo66, which sold probably the cheapest bottled water in town.

Because of the open atmosphere of the restaurant and bar, people would come in off the street to use the bathrooms or to just sit on the comfy couches in the middle of the place. Ordinarily, it wasn't a problem. However, people would often come in off the street lookng for free water, which wasn't free or even cheap for the bar because the price of the cups went up qutie a bit this year (from what I was told). So we charged $1 for a cup. If someone asked me to fill their water bottle or something, I would never charge them. Or if they wanted more water, I'd put more in their cup.

One afternoon, my bartender was asked by a customer for a cup of water. I don't know what kind of response she gave him. I imagine it may not have been pleasant based on his reaction, but I don't know for sure. The next day, I came in to work and she told me that I should read a letter that a customer left at the restaurant.


For those of you who have a hard time reading chicken scratch, this is what the letter said:

"To the owner:
(aka cocksucker)

To charge a dollar for ice water (especially to a customer who has already purchased an overpriced glass of highly mediocre wine) is rather criminal!

To justify this practice because this is a tourist town is incredibly cynical

Avariciousness will lead you eventually to the sixth circle of Hell (see Dante).

May you burn (rather reform!)"

I thought this was a little unnecessary, as well as absolutely hysterical. It is insane for a tourist to come to a gay resort town and condemn business owners to hell for common business practices.

If, for some strange reason, the author of that ridiculous note, happens to be reading this, he'll be happy to know that we changed our policy and started giving out water. The owner of the restaurant thought it was a poor reflection on his business. Which it was. Since the note was left for him.

For the record, the owner of the bar is actually not a cocksucker.


View from the Bar

I think this one might speak for itself. This was during Labor Day weekend when I was at work. I took it to send to Kevin to show him what fun he was missing in Provincetown.


Clearly, he was jealous. Who wouldn't be?

Epiphany!

Yes, it's true. I had an epiphany today. The clouds parted, the sun shone through the window, and I realized... I don't want to be a mathematician!


Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "No, it's not possible! How could anyone not want to be a mathematician!?!? Surely, you're mistaken!"

No folks, it's true. I do not want to be a mathematician. And I'll tell you how I came to realize it.

I was sitting in class tonight. It was a fine class. The professor, Frank, has a great sense of humor. At the start of the class, he dropped a piece of chalk, and mumbled, "Shit. That was the only good piece." Then aloud, to the class, "I guess we won't be having a very long class today." Laughter ensued. But this was not when I decided I didn't want to be a mathematician.

In fact, the entire class went well. We didn't really get out early. That was just some math department humor. (NOTE: read previous blog posts to find out more about math department humor)

After class, we had a recitation with a Ph.D. student who is just okay. He's a nice enough guy. A little nervous at the board, but he's probably new to it. The recitation tends to be a little boring, but not awful. During recitation, we work out a bunch of problems on the board. Generally the problems are not too difficult, definitely not the level that they expect us to work out on our own in the homework assignments.

One of the problems we worked out tonight:

f(x) = x^2
Find subsets A and B of R such that f(B\A) is not equal to f(B)\f(A).

Let B = [-1, 1]
f(B) = [0, 1]

Let A = [1/2, 1]
f(A) = [1/4, 1]

B\A = [-1, 1/2]
f(B\A) = [0, 1]

f(B)\f(A) = [0, 1/4)
So they are not equal.

This is fine. I understand everything we're doing. Then, an annoying guy in the class asks a question. "But we could have just chosen a point, right?"

The response from the TA: "Yes. It's kinda fun to play around and see what works, isn't it?"

KINDA FUN TO PLAY AROUND AND SEE WHAT WORKS!?!

I googled fun just to see what kind of images show up. Here is but a small spattering:






I think you probably get the idea. It occurred to me that many, probably a majority even, of the people that I am in class with think things like playing around with sets and functions are fun. Perhaps it's because I was so sick of looking at math after hours of manipulating matrices and proving mappings are injective and similar such things. But I find very little about what I'm studying to be "fun."

Therefore, I do not want to be a mathematician. QED

THE Feminine Hygiene Emergency Kit

Today, I was at the Stop and Shop, and I saw an item that was just too precious to not blog about. I had this really funny idea to write up a cheesy commercial for it. But then I changed my mind. The pictures can speak for themselves.


Please note in this photo the pleather, pink, cheetah print carrying case. I believe that's cheetah. Correct me if I'm wrong.


In case it's difficult to see, that reads:

This all in one Feminine Hygiene Emergency Kit has: 1 Regular Tampon, 1 Super Tampon, 2 Feminine Hygiene Moist Towelettes, 2 Ultra Thin Maxi Pads with Wings, 2 Advil Caplets. Simply place one in your purse, glove compartment, office desk drawer, travel bag or in the hand of a friend. When those days arrive unexpectedly, don't worry because... The Feminine Hygiene Emergency Kit is always within reach and always discrete.

Don't carry a tampon in your purse. You can have a beautiful Feminine Hygiene Emergency Kit instead. Nobody will look at you funny when the pink case pops out while you're pulling money out to pay for groceries. And none of your coworkers will wonder what's inside when you're off on a personal day and they look in your desk for a pen to borrow.

My favorite though is "in the hand of a friend." Guess what all you suckers are getting for Christmas now! Here was Kevin's reaction when I gave him an early birthday present.


I told you. PRECIOUS!

The Dick Dock

For those of you who are not familiar with Provincetown, there is a special place here that people visit late at night called the Dick Dock. Yes, it's really true. I'm not making this up.


After work, most nights, Kevin and I go for walks around town. When the bars close at 1 am, people head over to Spiritus, the pizza place, to mingle and find their piece before the night ends. Kevin and I usually stroll through the crowd on the streets on our way.

For the less fortunate souls, those that haven't made a match at the bars or at Spiritus, there is the Dick Dock. Just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Spiritus, the Boatslip Resort overlooks Commercial Street. There is an alley just past it that leads to the ocean. In the back of the Boatslip, there is a big deck where they have the daily Tea Dance. Under that deck is the Dick Dock.

Quite often, Kevin and I sit on the porch of the building across Commercial Street from the alley that leads down to the Dick Dock. It makes for an interesting end to the evening. We see townies and visitors making their way down. We know what they're looking for. And, depending on how long we've been sitting there, we know who's down there. Some people come out alone, some come out with a new friend.


Last night was a particularly interesting night at the Dick Dock. As we were sitting in the chairs, we noticed a straight couple walk barefoot, towels wrapped around them, heading down towards the dock. Boy, were they in for a big surprise!

Later, as we were sitting there, two police approached on foot. Then, a patrol car came down Atlantic Street, which ends in a T on Commercial Street at the top of the alley to the Dick Dock, and parked at the end. A second patrol car drove up and parked on Commercial Street at the end. In the end, six police officers congregated there, flashlights in hand, preparing for a raid.


Okay. So it didn't really look like that. It was much darker out.

But anyway, Kevin and I walked back towards the apartment to get a better view of the participants scampering out from the other end of the Dick Dock. It was crazy how many dirty, old men came walking up between building all along Commercial Street at 2:30 in the morning. As if they had been just gazing at the moon over the ocean or something. Funny shit!

The Wonders of IKEA

Kevin and I took a trip to IKEA last week on our way back from Boston.


Whenever I see those golden letters, I just know that we're in for a good time. See, Kevin and I weren't searching for anything in particular at IKEA. We have already furnished both the New York and Provincetown apartments. Our primary reason for going to IKEA is to kill time, and to eat some Sweeeeeedish meeeeeetballs.


We made it about ten minutes in the store before we found our first gem. This showroom jumped right out at us. It looks as though it's designed to be a basement room for kids or teenagers. It sort of reminds me of the basement of the house I grew up in. Only totally different.


Here we see Kevin lounging on a beautiful couch, sending obscene text messages to his mother. Notice the stairway. I am very intrigued by this stairway. I want to ascend this stairway.


DENIED! It is not safe up there. But wait! What is up there that's so dangerous!?!


Oh, that's all. It's nothing. No, literally, it's nothing. IKEA built a staircase that goes nowhere for the showroom.
After this showroom, Kevin's tummy started rumbling. So we decided to skip the rest of the store and head straight for the Swedish meatballs. Yum.

Stop and Shop and Laugh

Kevin and I decided that we wanted a snack tonight. This is a rare event for us, as we rarely eat anything. Ever. It was about ten o'clock, and there wasn't much open in Provincetown, so we went for a drive to Orleans, about thirty minutes away. This information is irrelevant to our story really, but to anyone who knows that the Stop and Shop in Provincetown closes at nine, it answers a few questions.

We get to Stop and Shop and head straight for the bread aisle. We need bread. That is why we went to the bread aisle. We spy an adorable foreigner in the aisle. He makes his way over to us and asks us a few questions in a Russian accent.

BORIS: Excuse me.

ME: Yes?

BORIS: Can you tell me, does this mean that I only get three of these for five dollars, or...

He points to a package of hamburger buns. At the bottom of the package, it reads: 3/$5.00.

ME: It means that you get three packages for five dollars.

I chuckle on the inside at the thought of pulling out three buns from the package and paying five dollars for them.

BORIS: Thanks.

He walks away, gets about ten feet away, then turns back.

BORIS: Also, can you tell me where I can find the grill kitchen?

I think to myself, "What is grill kitchen? Is that a restaurant in the area? Is he looking for a grill to cook his chicken on?"

ME: Um... I'm not sure.

KEVIN: Grilled chicken? I'm not sure where that would be either.

ME: You mean packages of chicken to grill?

BORIS: No. Already cooked kitchen. I mean, chicken.

ME: No, I'm not sure. We don't usually shop here.

BORIS: Okay, well, thank you.

This may or may not be the grill kitchen that Boris eventually found. We stumbled into him again in the section with grill kitchens. We bought some tasty cannoli there.

I Can't Help Myself, I'm Obsessed!

I tried very hard not to look at any more swine flu stuff, and I was successful yesterday. Today, however, is a different story. In my readings, I found some more very interesting stuff. I'll share some of it with you.

First off, I'll give you the new graph that I generated using numbers from the CDC website.


Basically, this shows that numbers aren't leveling off at the moment. It doesn't seem like they will be too soon.

We also have a new death from the flu in the United States. So everyone can stop saying that it was only one death, a toddler from Mexico. Here is a little snipped from the news story I read about this death. It comes from "Second swine flu death reported in the US" on Hurriyet Daily News.com.

Texas health officials late on Tuesday announced the first death of a U.S. resident with swine flu, and said she was a 33-year-old schoolteacher who had recently given birth to a healthy baby. The only other swine flu death in the U.S. was of a Mexico City baby who also had underlying health problems and had been visiting relatives in Brownsville, near Harlingen. He died last week at a Houston children's hospital.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or CDC, said it expected "more cases, more hospitalizations and more deaths from this outbreak" in the weeks ahead. But at the same time, health authorities eased the restrictions for school closures, a move seen as a possible sign that the worst of the outbreak might well be over.

The CDC expects "more cases, more hospitalizations and" WHAT!?! "more deaths" from the swine flu. If the CDC is expecting it, then so should we. I understand that the flu normally kills a shit ton of people every year, but I still think this seems much worse than just the common flu. If it were just a regular flu, the CDC wouldn't be tracking it and sending out millions of doses of antiviral drugs out to all the states.

Another interesting article that I read is from blogger Leva Cygnet at Firefox News. In his article, "Crunching Some Swine Flu Numbers", he gives us some scenarios of how this could play out. I'm not sure what qualifications he has to make these predictions, but they seem reasonably sound to me. Given that it was written over a week ago, and the flu has been spreading pretty wildly over the last week, I think we should give him a little credit.

Let's hope that this isn't as bad as it might seem. But in the meantime, don't go kissing any pigs.

हाउ वेल दोएस यौर कंप्यूटर क्नोव यू

My friends, the staff over at Maggie's Octopus and I have a game we like to play sometimes. I like to call it "How well does your computer know you?" Seeing as it's finals week, and I only have a million more hours worth of studying to do, I decided to play this game for a bit. Unfortunately, my friends at Maggie's Octopus are VERY busy, probably coaching girls softball or something equally as lame. So, instead, I decided to share with you, my avid readers, the results of this game.

The way the game is played is:
1. Open Facebook. Everyone has it. Nobody should be ashamed of it.
2. Click the Profile tab at the top to go to your profile.
3. Look at the sidebar on the right labeled Advertisements. Scroll down and click "More Ads"

This should bring you to a page called Advert Board. Here is where the fun begins!

On my Advert Board today, the first six ads were:


1. Mensuas Designer Swimwear

This one clearly screams my name. Not only does the picture look like it could be my twin brother, but the ad also appeals to my desire to find "the latest fashions and styles of mens underwear, swimwear and jewelry."

2. Good Boyfriend?

Again, perfect for me. "Find out if you could be a good boyfriend" too!

3. Mathematics Major?

Wow! I am a mathematics major. And I just happen to love surveys. 3 for 3!

4. Only if you are gay

A social network for gays. Gays.com. It doesn't get any better than this.

5. Threadless T-Shirts

I was actually hoping that I could find some rubber t-shirts.

6. Find a Tough to Love

You know me. I DO have a soft spot for toughs. I also love funs, intelligents, nices, generouses, and funnies.

I believe 4 out of the 6 advertisements on that page were specifically geared towards gay men, based on the pictures and the descriptions. Hmm... I guess my computer does really know me.

Let's scroll down to the 24 other advertisements on my Advert Board. Shall we?






Of these, there are:

14 Gay/Social Networking
5 NYC
4 Clothing
3 Religion
3 Marriage and Divorce
2 Shaving
1 Gardening
1 Cars
1 Art/Photography
1 Math

That about sums me up. I'm a gay, New Yorker who is into clothing, shaving, gardening, cars, nude male photography, and math. And I'm looking to get married and then divorced soon, in a very religious way.

Your turn!

Oh, and the Title is supposed to look that way. My computer knows me so well that it decided to change the language of my title. I love it!